Happy Father’s Day, however that looks in your family
To mark Father’s Day, Niko tells us about learning to be the dad he wants to be for his son (age 16) and daughter (age 13).
Niko lives in Edinburgh with his partner. He coparents with his children’s mother. Niko’s son has autism and severe developmental delay, with his development recently diagnosed at around two to four years old.
Fatherhood has changed my life
“I would say that fatherhood changed my life, 100%. I always had a job but I was always coming back home and thinking I was tired. Since our son’s diagnosis, I realised that life was not going to be the same.
“I realised I wanted to find out how children develop and to be able to support my disabled son. So, at the age of 31, I went back to college to study early education. After three years, I became a childcare practitioner and I worked in nurseries, then I became a mentor to other dads.”
“The disability of my child made me a better person, more family centred, more children centred. I owe my life to my children because without them, I wouldn’t be the person I am now.“
Niko shares his experience of being a dad
Sometimes when they sleep, we cry
“I don’t think anyone is ready to be a dad and no one understands what that means until you become a dad. It is hard to figure out your role as a dad. I didn’t know what type of dad I want to be but I knew for sure what kind of dad I don’t want to be.
“I came from a cold upbringing in the 80s. I wanted to learn how to be a loving dad, how to let go of my own emotions and bad things in my head. I had to learn closeness and how to cuddle my children, meaningfully cuddle, how to comfort them when they cry.
“When I see another parent who has a child with an additional need, it’s like you have this connection. You don’t have to say anything, you can just nod your head and smile because between you it’s like ‘yeah, we’ve got this’, at the end there is no other option is there?
“We have to deal with stuff, we have to support our children, we have to be strong for them and sometimes when they sleep, we cry.”
Autism is also part of who I am
“It is very, very difficult for me also as an autistic individual. I find it hard to ask for help.
“I would say that I got accidentally diagnosed four years ago but all my life I felt I was different – now I know that wasn’t the case. I had a very bad spell of depression and anxiety and when I was working with a psychiatrist he said, ‘you know, there is something there’. I was asked to fill out forms about my childhood and had more screening and it turns out, I am autistic.
“I had a traumatic childhood, so sometimes it was hard to tell if it was an autism trait or just a traumatised child, it was quite hard to figure it out.
“I realised I wasn’t myself for 40 years because I was trying to fit into a box. Slowly I am setting boundaries to be happier. I can now live my life, and autism is part of me. I am embracing it and I am not worried.
“It is so freeing to be yourself, finally.”
Life wouldn’t be the same without Family Fund
“We have always benefited from holidays from the Take a Break Scotland grant with Family Fund and we are always grateful for that because it doesn’t matter how much money, we can always go away and make memories. We have already put a deposit down this year and our son loves helping find places to stay. He gets so excited for the road trip.
“He is never going to be travelling the world, visiting places by himself so at least we can give him a piece of Scotland.
“Life wouldn’t be the same without Family Fund and Take a Break Scotland.”